


Symptoms

by love_hp



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-10-26 05:50:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10780872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_hp/pseuds/love_hp
Summary: Adil was a barman. Toby was a Hamilton. They were from completely different worlds, but they were more alike that one might think.(Set after the end of the war. Alternate timeline, not series compliant. Here, they did not get together in 1940.)





	1. Chapter 1

Adil liked watching Toby. He didn’t know why he had become so drawn to the young Hamilton brother in the first place, all he knew was one day he started looking and he couldn’t stop. To begin with he had tried his best not to, but in the end he gave into temptation. He always made sure he was discrete so that Toby wouldn’t notice. So that nobody would notice. Even if it was busy he would make a point to sneak a few glances. He didn’t care that he was his boss and it was all sorts of wrong to be feeling the way he was feeling. It wasn’t hurting anybody. Adil lived for the days and nights when Toby was in the bar. Especially if he was alone. Not so much if he was there with yet another lady his mother was trying to set him up with. 

Adil knew that Toby was like him. Well, he didn’t have any real evidence but when you like men in a world where it is illegal to do so, similar minded people aren’t exactly jumping at the chance to reveal themselves. Adil had gotten very good at reading the signs over the years, and he had almost always been correct with his assumptions.

Just as Adil was watching Toby, so was Toby watching a particularly attractive solider. He was tall, dark and handsome and still donned his uniform. Exactly how Adil imagined Toby would have looked if he had signed up to fight. Adil had to admit that he was beautiful, he had also noticed him as soon as he had walked in the door. Of course that’s what Toby’s type would be though, not a small, scrawny Indian barman like him. He was kidding himself if he thought Toby would ever be interested in him. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping though.

It was late. Toby was on his 4th or 5th drink. He was alone. Adil liked when Toby was drunk, as bad as that made him sound. The alcohol made him more at ease, more open and more likely to confide in Adil. He didn’t normally care for gossip, but always found himself curious as to what was going on in the other man’s life. Tonight he was complaining about another one of the women his Mother had introduced him to.

“She’s lovely, she really is. It’s just my mother is trying to push us together, force us to be something we’re not. I mean, I don’t really know how she feels about me, but I can only ever see us being just friends. I know the war is over now and it’s important for me to find a wife, but it’s such a waste of everyone’s time…” he ranted, his voice rather louder than normal. He was lucky that none of his family were around to hear him. Important for you to find a wife, or important for your family? Adil wanted to ask, but he held his tongue.

“Some people say drink to forget, I say drink to remember…” Adil said, as he poured Toby another drink. Toby smiled slightly, shrugging his shoulders.

“Remember what?” He questioned.

“Maybe that being Toby Hamilton is something pretty special,” he answered, looking Toby in the eye. Their hands brushed as Toby reached for the glass, but neither of them pulled away. Toby smiled, a faint blush evident on his cheeks. 

They remained like that for a few moments, as if they were frozen in time and completely alone, until Adil was called to serve another customer. Toby quickly averted his eyes, looking embarrassed. 

As Adil turned away he couldn’t help grinning to himself. He loved seeing Toby smile, and even better if he was the one to put it there. He didn’t smile nearly enough, thought Adil, so it always made Adil’s heart soar when he was able to evoke one. 

As he made up another drink, he took a moment to glance around the room. It was quite busy, but that wasn’t unusual nowadays. With the fighting over and the men home you’d be hard to come by a subdued bar void of celebrations, especially in London. 

Freddie had arrived a few hours ago with a fair bunch of his war colleagues. They had all been discharged a few weeks ago, but celebration was definitely still in the air as they enjoyed their time together before they went their separate ways. The man that Toby was so interested in was part of his group, which made Adil wonder if the two of them had ever crossed paths before tonight. Who knows what the mysterious Toby could be hiding? If he did have secrets, he definitely would not be confiding them to the barman, that’s for sure.

The night progressed in a sort of circular fashion. Toby would order a drink from Adil and nurse it while he (not so discretely) watched the man as he laughed and joked with his friends. Adil doubted anyone else would have noticed, it’s only because he spent so much time observing Toby that he could tell the difference. He would finish his drink and then shift around a bit on the bar stool he occupied, more often than not whilst wringing his hands together. Adil could tell that he was trying to muster up the courage to go and talk to the gentlemen, but every time he would just sigh and turn around before ordering another. It was frustrating to watch. 

At one point Freddie’s friend must have caught his eye, because all of a sudden Toby was flushed and concentrating his gaze firmly on the surface of the bar. His back was now turned to the rest of the room, but while Adil tended to the other customers he watched as the man whispered something in Freddie’s ear who then got up and started making his way over to where his brother sat. 

“Lord Hamilton…” Adil prompted Toby, not wanting him to be overwhelmed when Freddie arrived. Toby glanced up.

“Toby, come join us! You must be lonely here sitting all by yourself. They don’t bite, I promise,” he laughed, slapping his palm across Toby’s back in a friendly manner. Adil wasn’t surprised that Freddie has misinterpreted Toby’s longing for one of comradery rather than lust. 

“No, no. It’s quite alright. I was just heading up anyway,” he declined, shaking his head. 

“Toby, you’re such a bore,” Freddie whined, but didn’t push the subject any further, probably knowing that he wouldn’t be able to change his mind. Toby wasn’t the most social, which is why his twin was a lot more suited to being the one in charge.

“One of these days I’ll get you to come out with me, just you wait!” He promised, before heading back to his pals who were obviously missing his company. 

“Not a chance,” Adil heard Toby mutter under his breath. Adil knew the feeling. The places that Freddie went to weren’t exactly fun for people like him. 

Even though he assured Freddie that he was leaving, Toby made no move to change his position. In fact, his glass was still almost full.

“I hate it when he does that. His friends don’t want me barging in on their party. When is he going to accept the fact that I’m not like him?” Toby remarked.

“He’s just trying to look out for you,” Adil replied, defending Freddie. It’s what brother’s do, they look out for each other.

“Yeah, well, I don’t need his pity,” Toby mumbled bitterly. 

Adil had been a barman for many years, so he had become an expert on knowing when someone had had too much to drink. Once Toby was over his limit, he became irritable and hostile. Sometimes he would pick fights, like after his Father died. Adil made it his job to make sure that never happened again, because it only caused embarrassment.

“I think that’s enough for you tonight, Mr Hamilton?” he suggested, but Toby seemed to be oblivious and didn’t hear him. While Adil had been worrying about the other man’s wellbeing, he had turned back to his brother and now had a very prominent frown on his face.

Adil followed his gaze, and realised the group had been joined by several very pretty, very well-dressed ladies. One of them had found residence on the lap of the man Toby had been admiring all night. They both watched as she giggled at something he said before he leaned down and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. So, not a secret lover then. 

This seemed to be the last straw for Toby. He rapidly downed his drink before stumbling out of his seat, the bar stool sliding over the floor. They were so close together that Adil could see the tears that had formed in Toby’s eyes. Oh Toby, what is going on? He thought to himself sadly.

“I’m just going to…” Toby started, but seemed to get stuck on his words.

“Thank you. For the drinks. Goodnight,” Toby bade him goodbye.

Adil didn’t want to over step the line he had created from the day he realised he was attracted to Toby. He’d spent far too long being occupied with Toby this evening as it was, he should just let him go. But he couldn’t bare to see him look so upset and lonely and... broken.

Before he could think any more about it, he grabbed onto Toby’s wrist as he made a move to leave.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Toby,” Adil told him sincerely, looking him in the eyes. 

Toby hesitated for a moment, his mouth falling open slightly as he took in the meaning of Adil’s words. Adil had been subtly dropping hints for months, surely Toby understood by now that they were the same? Suddenly, Toby yanked his arm away forcefully.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Toby snapped. 

Adil sighed. Not wanting to push the matter, he gave his boss a small, reassuring smile before replying.

“You will.”


	2. Chapter 2

The last thing Adil expected to see when he arrived at work the next morning was Toby in the staff area, but here they were. He had just began sorting through bottles to take up to the bar when he spotted him. Toby look so uncomfortable, so out of place. Adil wondered what he was doing there, until Toby caught sight of him and immediately rushed over.

“Adil, may I please talk with you?” Toby asked, glancing around to make sure nobody was near enough to overhear him, even though there was hardly anyone down there at that time in the day.

“Of course, Mr Hamilton. What can I do for you?” He replied, putting down the wine he was currently holding.

“No, not here,” Toby’s voiced rose slightly, emphasising the last word. 

“Will you come up to my room when your shift is over?” he requested shyly, and Adil could sense the nervousness radiating off of him.

“I don’t finish until 2…” Adil answered, unsure if the late hour would be acceptable.

“That’s fine, I’ll see you then.” And without as much as a backwards glance at the barman, he was gone.

Adil had little time to ponder Toby’s strange behaviour as he was kept very busy the whole day. He knew that Toby would want to talk about what happened last night, and the suspense was killing him. He wasn’t a patient man and every minute seemed to drag by slower than usual until it was finally time for him to leave. 

Instead of following the other finishing bar staff out of the back staff door he made up some excuse about forgetting something in his locker. Once he was sure he was alone he grabbed a few things and then made his way up the stairs to where Toby’s room was.

Adil knocked softly on the door, balancing the tray of drinks he had decided to bring up in one hand. This part was familiar, almost routine. Bringing up room service to Toby’s room was a regular occurrence. He had just never been inside for more than 10 seconds at a time, and he was a little apprehensive as to what awaiting him in there. 

There were a number of ways this conversation could go. The most frightening to think about, but hopefully the least likely to happen was that Toby was going to fire Adil. He had found out his secret, and didn’t want someone like that working in his hotel. Adil had faith in Toby though, he believed he would never do that. But how well did he really know the man when all they’ve shared was a few too many drunk conversations?

The door quickly open and Toby looked genuinely relieved to see him. 

“Adil, thank you for coming,” Toby greeted him, ushering him inside swiftly. He eyed the drinks Adil had brought, looking confused.

“I thought I’d better bring something encase I crossed paths with anyone on my way up here. I was going to bring coffee, but I thought maybe something stronger would do,” he explained, motioning to the whisky.

“Yes, that was a good idea. Smart of you,” Toby replied. 

He gestured to one of the empty sitting chairs, so Adil placed the tray down and took a seat. He expected Toby to sit down opposite him, but he began pacing back and forth instead. He was silent, and Adil wasn’t going to be the one to start talking so he decided to make himself useful and pour them both a drink. Once he was done he handed a glass to Toby, making him pause before he took a gulp. Adil did the same, finding it slightly weird to be drinking with Toby instead of just serving him. 

“Last night, it wasn’t what it looked like,” Toby started.

“We’ve met a couple of times. I was beginning to think… Oh, I don’t know, I was obviously completely wrong. Please don’t tell anyone?” He rushed out in one breath.

“Mr Hamilton…” Before he could say any more he was cut off.

“Please, you can call me Toby when no one else is around.”

“Alright then, Toby…” Adil couldn’t help but smile as his name rolled of his tongue. The way he addressed Toby was normally so formal but here, with the two of them alone, being allowed to call him by his first name felt oddly intimate. It felt right.

“Of course I won’t tell anyone but I’m sorry, it was exactly what it looked like. As I said last night, there is no need to feel ashamed.” He didn’t want to sound harsh, but he didn’t want Toby to withdraw back into himself. He needed to face the truth or he was just going to keep running from it. Now Toby collapsed in the chair opposite him.

“Of being a homosexual, or of thinking there was any chance that he may be attracted to me?” Toby whispered so quietly and softly that Adil almost didn’t hear him.

“Both.” Adil answered simply. 

“And you are too?” Toby questioned, looking up at the barman with hope in his eyes. 

“Yes, Toby. I am.”

Toby looked like he was taking a moment to process what was happening, and Adil couldn’t blame him. It was probably the first time he had ever told anyone his secret, Adil knew how hard it must have been for him to take the chance and be so exposed and vulnerable.

“I know I’m pathetic, but you don’t need to feel sorry for me. It’s my own doing.”

“Nobody choses who they fall in love with,” Adil said, all too familiar with the pain that could bring.

“It takes a while, but you’ll get better at reading the signs and knowing what’s real and what you’re just imagining in your head.” He said.

“Can you teach me?” Toby all but begged, looking at Adil with so much hope and adoration in his eyes. 

Who was Adil to deny him anything?

 

So that’s how it started. Once or twice a week after he finished working Adil would make his way up to Toby’s hotel room and they would sit and talk for a few hours. Sometimes they lost track of time and only realised how late it was when the sun began to come up.

He told him all he knew about what it was like being a gay man in London in the 1940’s - what to look out for, places to avoid etc. Adil knew he was far from an expert, and that everybody had different experiences. Obviously Toby was in a better position than Adil to begin with. They were as different as two people could be in most respects, even though they were more similar than a first glance would suggest. 

Mostly, Adil would reminisce and talk about his past and his experiences, whilst Toby hung onto his every word. It was strange at first, being able to share all these parts of him that he’d never told anyone about before. No matter how uninteresting a story Adil thought he was telling, Toby was always completely entranced, like he couldn’t believe that things like that actually happened in real life. Adil revelled in the feeling of being the centre of attention for once, it didn’t happen to him often. He was so happy that he and Toby had become friends, even if there was always going to be a part of him that wanted more.

“Are you still seeing that Theresa girl?” Adil summoned the courage to ask one day. 

Toby didn’t talk about himself much. Normally Adil didn’t mind, he knew how hard it was for Toby to open up about the smallest of things, but Adil was curious to know what was going on in his private life. 

“Mother thinks we’re perfectly matched.” Toby answered in a sarcastic tone, using his fingers to mime quotation marks around the last two words.

“Yeah, except she’s a woman,” Adil replied knowingly. He tried not to sound jealous, even though he was. Did Theresa have any idea just how fortunate she was, getting to go on dates with Toby to fancy restaurants and hold his hand whenever she wanted, for everyone to see?

“Don’t remind me,” Toby said, rolling his eyes.

“So what are you going to do about it?” Adil queried.

“I honestly don’t know, Adil. I think about it a lot. I’m just going to leave it alone and see how it plays out for now.” 

“I know it makes you unhappy, Toby. Why don’t you just end it with her?” Adil asked. He hated seeing Toby as sad as he was when he had to leave to meet Theresa.

“If I did, my Mother would just find me another one. And Theresa’s not actually that bad. It’s an endless cycle, and to be honestly it’s kind of draining.” 

Adil cringed at the thought. He couldn’t imagine having to go through what Toby was being subjected too. He didn’t think he’d be able to cope.

“You’re so strong Toby, but I’m scared that one day you’re going to crack.”

“I’ve done everything for my parents, for this family. I’ve done all that they’ve asked. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep doing that for.”

“Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what’s in your heart.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think you’re right.” 

After a few moments of contemplative silence, Toby spoke up again.

“Can I ask you something?” He looked quite nervous, so Adil knew it was going to be a personal question.

“Honestly, you can ask me anything. Anything at all. I don’t mind,” Adil answered, trying to make the other man feel more comfortable.

“You’ll think I’m silly. You’ll laugh…” he declared, looking away.

“Toby, I promise I won’t. I would never dismiss your feelings like that.”

“How did you know? That you didn’t like girls the way you were supposed to?” 

“I was 16 I think, when I had my first kiss. She was nice and sweet and very pretty, but I didn’t feel anything for her. I think deep down I always knew, but that was when I stopped trying to suppress it.” 

“Why am I just figuring this out now? I mean, before the war I hadn’t given it a single thought. I’m 26, for goodness sake. I’m supposed to know who I am by now.” Toby groaned, holding his head in his hands.

“It doesn’t matter, does anyone really know who they are ever?” Adil wondered. 

“Does anyone else know?”

“I suspect that the men I’ve been with may have some idea,” Adil joked, trying to ease the mood a little.

“But no, I haven’t explicitly told anyone, I think it’s better for everyone that way. Not my friends or family. No one important. Well, except you.”

“Oh, so you’ve been with men?” Toby blushed, unable to meet his eyes. Adil swore he could hear a hint of jealousy in his voice, but maybe he was just imagining things.

“And you haven’t?” Adil was pretty sure he knew the answer, but he wanted to be sure. It was rare for him to get Toby in a position where he would share things with him, he wanted to get the most out of his unusual relaxed mood as he could.

“No, never. I wouldn’t dare, in fear that someone would recognise me. I don’t even go near the areas where homosexuals are known to hang out in. I think I would be too tempted and do something reckless.”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Adil found it imperative that he made that point clear.

“It’s only been purely physical. A few stolen moments in a dark alley behind a pub and the likes. It never really means anything.”

“Can you… can you tell me what it’s like? Is it good?” Toby looked embarrassed but it was drowned out by the curiousness in his voice.

“Toby, it’s incredible.”

Once Toby started asking questions he couldn’t stop, it was like a tidal wave. Adil talked, trying his best to answer as truthfully and accurately as he could. 

“Don’t you feel dirty? Like you’re doing something wrong?” Toby enquired.

The truth was, Adil had felt like that in the beginning. Then he began thinking if this is sinful, why does it make me feel so good? 

“Toby, listen to me very carefully, alright? You are not evil. You are not disgusting or foul or any of the other words you hear people throw around when they are talking about people like us. Your feelings matter. They don’t make you any less of a man, or any less human. They are a part of you that you cannot change. Just like your eye colour or the way your voice sounds. They are what make you YOU, and I would not wish to change that for a single second.” 

Adil’s voice cracked at the end, his emotions getting the better of him. He had always wished he had someone to tell him those words when he was figuring himself out, so he made sure that Toby heard them, and believed them too.

“How do you do it? Go around all day every day with this massive secret inside of you that’s weighing down on your heart? I can barely stand it. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“It will get easier, I promise.” Adil said sincerely.

Adil wondered if Toby realised how lucky he was by having someone to ask all these questions to. It wasn’t long ago Adil had been in the exact same position, only he had no one. He had to figure it out all by himself. He was glad that Toby had someone to confide in.

“Why are you being so nice to me? It’s not just because I’m your boss and you feel like you can’t say no?” Toby asked, his self-doubt which was normally well hidden starting to surface.

“Not at all. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy spending time in your company.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. I don’t deserve you, Adil.” Toby proclaimed.

It was moments like these when Adil felt sure there was something more between the two of them. Before, Adil had thought that it was hard to know if Toby was even interested in him. Not anymore. The way that Toby looked at him was not the way you looked at a friend. 

You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. Adil decided to take the plunge, there was no going back now.

“I could teach you some other things too, if you like,” he proposed suggestively, reaching out to hold Toby’s hands in his and allowing himself to glance at his lips, knowing Toby would understand what he meant.

Toby closed his eyes and took a deep breath, composing himself. He didn’t pull away, in fact he held onto Adil tighter. This was new, the touching. It was like there had previously been an invisible barrier allowing the two men to be close but just out of reach and now it had just come tumbling down. And that terrified Adil.

“Listen Adil, I wish that I could… I just… I don’t know what…” Toby spoke eventually, pulling away regretfully.

Adil’s heart sunk, but he didn’t let himself feel too dejected. Toby had made so much progress in accepting himself, he just needed a little more time.

“I understand. You don’t have to explain.” Toby nodded gratefully, cracking a small smile.

It was clear to Adil that whatever feelings Toby did have, he was not ready to act on them. But he would be there when he was.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Some of the dialogue in this is from/inspired by Malec scenes in season 1 of Shadowhunters*

Adil hadn’t seen Toby for a while. He hadn’t said anything to him about it, hadn’t told Adil that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. He just stopped asking to see him. Adil thought it was strange, but he wouldn’t dare initiate a conversation with Toby at the bar and it would be rude of him to go up to Toby’s room without being summoned. Maybe he’d come on too strong, but perhaps this was for the best. Every minute he spent alone with Toby he could feel himself falling further and further. Sometimes he thought that he was in so deep that if he didn’t come up for air soon he would drown, and there would be no one there to save him.

Not that he would’ve had much time to spend with Toby anyway, if he wasn’t so obviously avoiding him. Christmas was fast approaching, meaning that all the staff were lumped with extra work. Adil often found himself finishing his shift after 2 in the morning and heading home for a few hours rest before being back at work at 8 o’clock sharp. Toby was probably busy too, with his work. A couple of times Adil had seen him in the bar with Theresa, but when he did he made a point of getting someone else to serve them. It hurt Adil to see them together when he knew that Toby didn’t want to be with her. Toby was a completely different person when he was around her (or generally when the two of them weren’t alone) and Adil found that he didn’t like it much. He spent so much time around Toby that he could tell the real smiles from the fake ones, and he realised they hadn’t been making much of an appearance lately.

Adil had only ever had one conversation with Theresa, if you could even call it that. She had been sitting at the bar with Toby and he had excused himself to go speak with his brother. She watched him go, and then turned to face Adil.

“Isn’t he gorgeous?” She swooned, most likely just speaking to herself but Adil felt himself blush. If he didn’t know any better he would have sworn that she was saying that to show off and provoke him. Obviously she wasn’t, as she definitely wouldn’t know about him and Toby. Why would she even talk to Adil in the first place? He couldn’t help it if he felt jealous though.

One day, he was tidying up when one of the maids stopped him on his way past. 

“Mr Hamilton would like some coffee brought up to his room, please.” She told him as she hurried on.

Great, Adil thought to himself. He could already sense that seeing Toby alone again was going to be awkward. Maybe he could find someone else to do it?

He didn’t, so he soon found himself knocking on the familiar door as he had done so many times before.

“Oh, Adil. Hello,” Toby stuttered when he opened it, obviously surprised to see him.

“Hello, Mr Hamilton,” Adil replied curtly. Toby actually looked sad that he had reverted back to using his full name, but it’s what Adil felt was appropriate. He didn’t know what he was allowed to say anymore.

“I would’ve had someone else bring this up but they were all busy and I didn’t want to keep you waiting. I’m sorry if me being here makes you uncomfortable.” Adil was one of those people who hated confrontation so would apologise even if he wasn’t in the wrong, if it would help him avoid a difficult situation.

“No, no, Adil. Please, you have nothing to be sorry about. I… I’m the one who should be apologising. And for the record, you could never make me uncomfortable.” Toby assured him.

“I thought that I had scared you off, that you didn’t want to see me anymore.” Adil replied honestly.

“God no, Adil. I’m sorry if I’ve been somewhat distant lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind and very little free time.”

“I see. I hope you’re not working yourself too hard.” Adil said. Ever since he had started here he had worried about the younger Hamilton’s health, he always seemed to push himself to breaking point.

“I’m doing just fine, thank you.” Toby said with a smile, like it was unusual for someone to care about him enough to check on how he was doing.

“Well, if that’s all then…” Adil prompted, eager to get out of the room and back to reality before he could do anything to ruin the amicable conversation.

“Actually, I meant to thank you for your advice. The whole follow your heart thing.”

“Really?” Adil’s heart stopped and he allowed himself to be filled with hope for the first time in weeks.

“I’m getting married.” Toby blurted out, looking anxiously at Adil. As soon as Adil heard those words, the hope dissipated as quickly as it had appeared. Toby was getting married?

He was waiting for the other man to reply, but Adil was gobsmacked. What was he supposed to say to that? It was not what he had been expecting to hear, that’s for sure. How had Toby been expecting him to react?

“I asked her last Saturday. She’s going to tell her family and then we’re going to make an announcement. I had to tell you before you found out from someone else. I wanted you to hear it from me, so you know that it’s true.” Adil’s head was still spinning. So he cared about him enough to warn him so he didn’t get overwhelmed when he inevitably heard the other staff gossiping about it, but not enough that he didn’t think about not getting married in the first place.

“But why?” Was all that Adil could manage to choke out. Did all the nights they spent together talking and all the secrets Toby shared with him mean nothing?

“Family is everything to me, you have to know that,” Toby pleaded, when it became apparent that Adil wasn’t going to be able to say anything else.

“I don’t know what you want me to say…” Adil admitted. 

“Say that you don’t hate me. That we can still be friends,” Toby almost begged. Adil thought carefully about his next words.

“I get it. You’re part of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ culture. You’re… traditional.”

“That’s why I proposed to Theresa.” Toby said.

“It’s a surprise, I’ll give you that.”

“It makes sense. It’s a solid partnership, for both of us.” Adil felt like Toby was trying too hard to explain his decision, not just to Adil but to himself as well.

“A solid partnership? How wonderful. Well, congratulations - marriage is a wonderful institution. Not that I would know.” Adil tried to keep calm and not let his emotions get the best of him, but he couldn’t hide the almost disgusted tone in his voice. Toby flinched and looked away.

Part of Adil felt betrayed. How could Toby confide all those things to him and then spring onto him the fact that very soon he was going to be someone’s husband? He couldn’t imagine himself having any place in Toby’s new life.

“As far as women go, Theresa is lovely. I mean, she’s not the brightest but we get on well and she seems genuinely interested in who I am, not my money. Which can’t be said for lots of the other suitors. I feel like she’s the best I’m going to get, so I didn’t want to lose her.”

“You don’t have to marry her. You’re still free to change your mind.” Adil reminded Toby. 

“Yes, I do.” Toby replied miserably.

“You’ll be lonely all your life. And so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don’t either.” He added the last sentence hesitantly. He knew he was being selfish, but right now he didn’t care. He couldn’t let the best thing in his life slip away without trying his hardest to stop it.

“This is about family. Tradition. Honour.”

“Where’s the honour in living a lie? What about love?” Adil pleaded.

“What’s the alternative? I could never be with a man. So there’s no point in indulging the idea. You think that there was ever going to be away for us to be together?” Toby asked, this being the first time he explicitly brought up the subject of the feelings between the two of them. Adil wished it had been under better circumstances.

“You think that if you just ignore your feelings they’ll go away? Suppressing your emotions never ends up well, one day you are going to burst.” Adil ignored his previous question, instead answering it with one of his own. He didn’t want to admit even to himself how much he had daydreamed of a future between the two of them, and now it had been ever so cruelly snatched away. There was a moment of silence.

“Adil, I didn’t know what else I could do.” Toby suddenly broke down, his voice cracking. All pretence of being in control vanished, leaving a vulnerable Toby who was close to tears.  
Adil felt himself calm down a little as he looked at Toby, the most helpless he had ever seen him. He tried to picture himself in Toby’s shoes and knew that if Toby had any other options he wouldn’t be doing this. It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try and get him to change his mind.

“She doesn’t know, does she?” He asked, softly. 

“No.” Toby answered.

“You think she won’t find out?”

“That’s the plan.”

“But how are you going to satisfy each other when you know she can never please you. She’s going to want a family.” Adil pointed out.

“You think I don’t know that?” Toby snapped. His pain had seemed to turn into anger, towards whom it was directed Adil wasn’t sure. His mother? The society they were living in? Adil?

“Men like us do it all the time – marriage and babies. I’ve read all about it. We have existed for all of time, I am not the first person who has to go through this.”

“You’re not Lord Hamilton, you don’t have to carry the weight of this family on your shoulders.” Adil reminded him. 

“Oh, so just because I’m the least important brother means it doesn’t matter what I do? How thick are you? Yes, Freddie has Emma and they’ll most definitely extend the family line in the near future, but…” He paused for a second to before he let himself get too out of control and start shouting at Adil.

“Don’t you see? I have to do this.” 

Adil took a deep breath to calm himself down. He knew what Toby was doing, he was trying to push Adil away so he felt less guilty. Because if Adil hated him it would be easier for him to forget about what was between them. Adil wasn’t going to let that happen.

“You don’t even know me.” Toby alleged, but the tone of his voice betrayed him letting Adil know he didn’t believe a word he was saying. 

“Trust me Toby, I know more than you think. For so long I closed myself off from getting attached to anyone. You’ve unlocked something in me.” Adil admitted.

“Tell me that she makes you happy, then I’ll stop. Tell me you love her.” 

“Adil, you know I can’t… Why do you keep pushing! You’re confusing me.”

“Confusion is part of it, that’s how you find out if something’s there. Emotions are never black and white.” Adil told him.

“They’re more like symptoms. You lose your breath every time they enter a room. Your heart beats faster when they walk by. Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath…” Adil stopped, feeling himself getting emotional.

“I know you feel what I feel.”

“You don’t have any clue what I feel, so back off.” Toby warned.

“Is this all just a game to you? You flirt, you laugh, but at the end of the day what do you have to lose? Even if I did feel something for you, you’d expect me to give up my life for you? It would never work. I have to do what’s right for me. I could lose my family, my career… everything! You don’t get it.”

“That is not fair, Toby. I could go to jail. I could get deported! Just because we are from completely different social standings doesn’t mean we don’t face the same risks.” 

Just because you’re more important to the world than I am, doesn’t mean my struggles amount to less than yours, he thought to himself.

Of course he knew that the situation was a lot more difficult for Toby. Adil was quite lucky: he lived alone, his family didn’t stay in London, he only had a handful of friends he had to hide himself from. Toby was literally the complete opposite. He understood why he was doing this, but he could never think that it was right. 

“How do I know that one day you won’t use this against me? Maybe someone will find out about you, threaten to report you and then all of a sudden you’ll be spilling all my secrets to save your own skin?” 

Adil knew that Toby was just upset, that he didn’t really mean it. But it still tore his heart apart that Toby would ever entertain that idea. Had those thoughts been running through Toby’s head all the time they’d been together? He hoped not.

“If you really think that then you don’t know me at all.” Adil blinked back tears, determined not to let them fall. He would not let Toby see him cry.

Toby seemed to realise that he had gone a step to far. He reached out his hand to comfort Adil, but he pulled away harshly.

“You have a decision to make. I won’t ask again.”

With that he swiftly strode towards the door, pulling it open then closing it behind him without so much as a glance back. If he saw the way Toby looked as he left him he wouldn’t be strong enough to go.

Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? He thought to himself. He had never been in love before, only read about it in books or watched other people experience it.

It was only when he reached the relative safety of the wine cellar that he let himself break down, the tears flowing freely down his face. He sobbed into his hands, struggling to breathe properly. He let himself cry for five minutes only before he straightened himself out and wiped his face with the back of his hands. Then he went back to work, acting as if nothing had happened even though inside it felt like Toby had completely torn him apart.


	4. Chapter 4

It was late April, the trees were full of blossom and the sun was shining brightly in the sky. It would have been a beautiful day, Adil thought, if only it hadn’t been the day of Toby Hamilton’s wedding.

Sometimes he still couldn’t believe that it was happening, even after the months since he had found out. That this kind, selfless, completely and utterly gay man was getting married to a woman. But Toby made his choice. He could have picked Adil, but he didn’t. They hadn’t even talked since the night Toby had told him, and that was all the answer Adil needed. He had waited with bated breath for days, weeks even, but Toby never came. Adil couldn’t say that he was surprised, just disappointed. Toby had chosen a life of misery and loneliness, but he chose safety. Isn’t that what mattered in the end, that Toby would be safe? He would live the rest of his life with the security that a wife and the Hamilton name brought him. He would be unhappy, but at least he wouldn’t be in jail.

Adil kept to himself as he followed the others into the church, where there was already a large gathering of people. A few of the guests he recognised from The Halcyon if they frequented often, but most of them were unfamiliar. Obviously Lady Hamilton was there in the centre of it all, bustling around like she couldn’t stand still. She was more excited about today than the bride and groom, although that was hardly surprising. 

Everyone looked so nice and fancy, all dressed up in their expensive clothes which probably cost more than Adil earnt in months. He didn’t even own a suit and couldn’t afford to buy one, so he had to borrow what he was wearing from his brother. Adil was shorter than him, so the suit hung off his body in strange places. Adil felt so out of place as he glanced down at himself, feeling swamped and like he didn’t belong here at all. This was just another reason why him and Toby could never have worked.

He saw a group of young men that looked around his age, congregated in a circle near where the groom would stand and laughing loudly at a joke someone had just made. He thought they must be Toby’s friends from work, maybe school even. He hadn’t seen them before so he couldn’t be sure. Adil thought it was completely unfair that during all the time he spent with Toby he had never once mentioned them, and yet they were the ones that got to be there by Toby’s side supporting him when Adil would do anything to trade places with them. In this world though, him and Toby couldn’t even be friends, never mind whatever word you would use to describe what was going on between them.

Adil tried to calm his breathing as he took his seat, wondering for the millionth time that day why he was even here. He knew that it would have been weird if he didn’t come, it was expected of him. All of the staff were present. He thought so many times about making an excuse, feigning an illness or family emergency. But that wouldn’t change anything. The only way he managed to drag himself out of bed this morning was by telling himself that he would have to live with this every day from now on and he didn’t want Toby to see that he was that affected by it. Best to just rip the band-aid off and deal with it. 

He wondered where Toby would be living after today, because he wouldn’t be coming back to the hotel that’s for sure. Who knows, maybe they’d already bought a house together. Adil hoped it would be far enough away that he wouldn’t have a chance of bumping into Toby in the streets. Of course, he’d have to show his face around the hotel occasionally, but if Adil was smart he’d be able to make sure that any contact with him was limited, if not totally avoided. It was the last thing that he wanted, but it had to be done if he wanted to stop being hung up on the younger Hamilton brother.

When Toby came out with Freddie Adil let out a small gasp, hoping that it wasn’t loud enough for anyone to hear. Toby was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his whole life. Sure, when he would dress up for events at the hotel he looked incredible, but this was entirely different. 

Adil’s eyes scanned Toby, until he reached his face. Adil was so used to seeing that one of a kind radiant smile that he automatically frowned when he saw the expression Toby was wearing. At the few weddings he’d been to in the past, Adil had seen the bride and groom both filled with so much joy and excitement, impatient to finally be married. But Toby looked nervous and scared, and kept whispering frantically to Freddie who was most likely doing his best to calm Toby down and tell him that everything was going to be alright. Everyone knew that Toby hated being the centre of attention, so he could probably pass that off as the reason for his nervousness to his family. But Adil knew the truth. This what not what you we’re supposed to be feeling on supposedly the happiest day of your life.

Every minute that ticked by was painfully slow as they waited for the bride to appear. Adil tried his hardest not to look at Toby but sometimes he just had to sneak a glance. One time when he looked up, Toby’s gaze was already trained on him. They made awkward eye contact before quickly looking away, both of them blushing. 

When it was time for Theresa to walk down the aisle, everybody turned and watched her with bated breath. She made her way to the alter looking radiant and beaming, every inch what a perfect bride should be. As she stood beside Toby he looked like he tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Surely she could tell that Toby wasn’t right for her? Maybe she didn’t care, as long as she had all the perks that came along with marrying him.

Adil thought he could handle it. He thought he was stronger than this. But he wasn’t. The more he watched Toby anxiously waiting for it all to be over, the more his heart tore into little pieces. It hurt. A lot. He couldn’t watch him go through with this, it was wrong. It was tearing him apart inside.

He felt tears brimming in his eyes and quickly wiped them away. He was being selfish, he knew he was. But he couldn’t help it and he hated himself for that. He wouldn’t ruin Toby’s big day, he couldn’t, not with so many important people here. His mother, Freddie, all the Lord’s and Ladies and top class families. No matter what he felt for the other man. Adil had learnt long ago that in this society, his feelings didn’t matter at all.

He glanced around quickly, taking in the surroundings. He was sitting right at the back of the church with the rest of the hotel staff, barely anyone would realise if he sneaked out.   
The priest was giving his sermon. Everyone was entranced, paying attention to the beautiful couple in front of them only. Adil took one last look at Toby before slipping out quietly.

No one noticed. 

 

Adil didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to be as far away from the wedding as possible. He walked quickly as he tried to wipe the tears that had started flowing away, but there was too many so he gave up and let himself cry. 

Adil was nearly at the gate when he heard heavy footsteps pounding the pavement behind him. He paused, swinging around hopefully. Toby came to an abrupt halt beside him. He was out of breath.

“Toby? What are you doing?” He choked through his tears.

“Adil, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He reached out and grabbed onto Adil firmly. 

“Toby, stop. You need to go back in there. Remember what you told me,” As much as it pained him to say what he didn’t believe, he knew it was the right thing to do. Adil had thought over the different scenarios of how this day would end up, and none of them had involved him trying to convince Toby to go back into the wedding.

“No, Adil. I can’t,” Toby cried out, shaking his head vehemently, still holding onto Adil as if his life depended on it. He fisted the lapels of Adil’s jacket tightly, like he needed his support to remain upright. Adil could feel him shaking, and it made him break. 

“I couldn’t do it, Adil. I just couldn’t. I turned around and you were just gone. It was like you had been my anchor and without you I was sinking. I knew that if I went through with it I would lose you forever and I don’t want that. Maybe I already have, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me after what I’ve put you through the last few months. I’m sorry it took me so long to come to my senses.”

“I could never hate you Toby. But you can’t ruin your life just because of me…”

“Ruin? You think I haven’t been ruining my life well enough on my own? I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone but then I think about the way I’ve treated you and you don’t deserve that.”

“Won’t your Mother be out here soon looking for you?” Adil wanted nothing more than to envelop Toby into a bone-crushing hug but logic prevailed. There was a whole church full of people in there and someone could appear at any second.

“No, I told her to give me some space. It’ll be killing her, but I think we’ve got about 5 minutes before she caves.”

“What about everyone else in there? You’re just going to leave them hanging, waiting for a wedding that isn’t going to happen anymore?” Adil queried.

“It took me so long to realise but I don’t care. I honestly don’t. If my Mother will hate me for ruining this opportunity and our reputation, if she won’t accept that I don’t want a wife. Family is important to me, but you are even more so. You’re the first person to know the real me.”

“Toby, seriously, it’s okay if you don’t want to get married. But please don’t say stuff to get my hopes up and then ditch me again when things get hard, I don’t think I could take it.” Adil was so relieved that Toby had decided not to go through with it and that he was finally being true to himself, but he was very good at saying things to lead Adil on without even realising it.

“I want to be with you Adil.” The words Adil had been hoping to hear come out of Toby’s mouth for so long blew him away, and he gasped in shock.

“You really mean it?” Adil whispered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that yes, this was actually happening to him.

“More than anything,” he promised, smiling at Adil like he was the only person in this whole world who mattered. Adil had stopped crying, but he felt close to tears again. This time though, they were happy ones. 

“You can’t exactly just turn up with me to the next big event and introduce me as your boyfriend,” Adil tried to joke but he could tell his insecurities were seeping through. Did Toby really know what he was getting himself into? The idea of it was one thing, but reality was another.

“No, I know that. I don’t care if we have to do everything in secret Adil, I can’t imagine being without you.”

“I’ve been trying to picture what life was going to be like after today without you in it…” Adil admitted sadly.

“I don’t think I would like my life much without you in it either,” Toby said.

“I really am sorry, I thought it would be easier if I distanced myself from you. I tried to love her, I really did. But I just couldn’t feel anything more than friendship. With every single little detail I’d be comparing her to you. Her smile, the way she laughed, how she made me feel… None of it was a scratch on you, Adil.”

“Stop apologising, it’s alright. You don’t have to explain,” Adil said. Toby looked relieved, like he had been worrying about Adil’s reaction or expecting him to be mad.

Maybe he was a little quick to forgive Toby, but he was sure they’d have a chance to talk about it later on when there was more time. When you were like him and found someone to love who felt the same way you have to forgive as much as you can and fight to make things work. Besides, the way they were standing now, their hands now clasped between their two bodies which were slightly too close together made Adil feel like there was nothing he wouldn’t do for Toby. 

After a few moments of comfortable silence Toby frantically looked back at the entrance to the church as if he just suddenly remembered the situation they were in. Thankfully, it was all still quiet with no one having appeared as of yet. To be safe, Toby pulled him around the side of the building so that they were out of view. Adil’s back was pressed against the wall, with Toby flush beside him.

Now that they were this close together, Adil noticed Toby had dried tear stains running down his face. What had happened in there? At some point he would get the details from Toby, but now was not the time. He wrapped his arms around the other man, pulling him into a tight, warm hug. Toby reciprocated, smiling down at him.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through all this,” Adil whispered into his shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” Toby reminded him. 

After a few moments they reluctantly let go of each other, both feeling a lot more relaxed and happy. Toby grabbed onto Adil’s cheeks, using his thumb to caress them slowly. After he finished memorising every part of Adil’s face, he leaned down and captured his lips with his own. It was short and sweet. Toby was messy and unsure, but Adil wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“Finally,” Adil breathed after they pulled apart, grinning widely. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you.” 

“Was it okay?” Toby asked nervously. 

“Toby, as first kisses go it was kind of perfect.” Suddenly Toby’s eyes grew wide as the reality set in.

“I just kissed you… at a church!” Toby exclaimed, thankfully sounding more amused than disturbed.

“You did,” Adil answered, and he could have sworn that he heard Toby actually giggle. 

“Are you sure you’re not going to wake up in the morning and regret everything?” Adil asked seriously, not wanting to ruin the moment but needing confirmation that this was real. That they could make it last.

“Adil, when it comes to you I could never have any regrets.”

Adil could not be prouder of Toby. He had come so far since that first night. 

“What are we going to do now?” Adil asked with trepidation, unsure of where their relationship was going to go from here. Toby sighed, knowing that very soon he was going to have to go back inside and face the situation he had so hastily exited.

“I don’t know,” Toby admitted. “But we will figure it out together.”


End file.
